Alone with my thoughts...

Here I am. Sitting on my couch at 6:00 in the morning with a finally sleeping baby in my arms. My poor little guy just got his first cold and his struggles for breath keep waking him up. The only time he seems somewhat content is when I am holding him. 


I haven't slept much in the last two days, but looking at Kallen's beautiful, perfect little self, how could I not be so glad he's here; apart of our family. 


You know, he wasn't apart of my master plan. I was always, for as long as I can remember, going to have a large family and be the Mom of 6 kids. That was my plan. If there is anything that I have learned about myself it is that I am ALWAYS in the process of making a plan and that unevenness or lack of symmetry drives me nuts! I think the professionals call this OCD. I like to think of this as more of an organizational tool for my life.


I grew up being the oldest of 5 children in my family. Whenever we went anywhere, we'd get paired up and assigned a buddy. Inevitably, there would be one child left out and it was usually my brother. He was the only boy in this heavily female populated family. I always felt sorry for him. I don't tell you this in judgement of my parents' choice in the size of their family. It simply was the motivating factor in my quest for evenness. I always wished I'd had another brother so that John wouldn't always have to be a buddy with my parents. (And also so there would be 2 boys in the family...see my unevenness issue strikes again!) 


Years pass by in a whirlwind of youthful naivety, diapers, bottles, and Cheerios (unnoticed) in my crudely pulled back 'Mommy Hair'. I had finally conquered my quest and had been blessed with 3 boys and 3 girls. (No control over that one, but it did make me happy!) 


Fast forward to 2007. No more diapers! No more bottles! And even though I still may have gotten a stray Cheerio chucked into my hair by one of my misbehaving imps, it didn't go unnoticed! I became a working Mom (outside the home...for a paycheck and some badly needed validation). Ashley entered high school and Riley became a kindergartener. I was doing my happy mama dance! The stress of having babies and toddlers in my life had now passed on. I breathed a momentary sigh of relief. 


I went down to Utah to spend an amazing night with my Mom and 2 of my sisters at a Josh Groban concert. (I'd elaborate a little more here, but that's a whole other story!!) When I got back home, I just couldn't get back into the groove at work and I was just so darned tired!! A little voice inside my head reminded me that there was a small possibility. I didn't want to believe it, but it would explain a lot. Then, I saw it. There it was. Two pink lines. Not faint, but bold and clear! My family symmetry was now gone. Our home was being blessed with another baby. 


Hadley was such an easy baby. I got to experience the great joy and awe in seeing my older children discover and develop great nurturing skills. What a miracle! What a blessing! But, Hadley just couldn't be this lone child out there in this great big family. How unfair to her! I knew it. I knew it the moment I found out she was coming... whether I liked it or not, there would be a baby #8! 


Two years later, order has been restored to the universe!! I now have 4 girls and 4 boys. I can stop and be content in the evenness of my family's symmetry. 


Kallen is such a wonderful baby and really reminds me, in the moments of pure frustration with having an incredibly busy 2 year old, what joy I have found in being a Mom!


There are days I wonder what on earth ever possessed me to become a mother at all; especially one with so many children. And then these quiet wonderful moments remind me.